Patches
by VickyQ
Summary: Roy asks Ed to babysit his new kitten 'Patches', And This itty bitty kitty is driving Ed INSANE. T for Mentions of EdxRoy. New Chapter Up! The battle between feline and canine is a long harbored grudge. Hilarity ensues :D
1. New Friend

**I'm still going to put up that long Lemon, I just wanted to put this up first. I've had it lying around for awhile, so I put it up.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own FMA...**

Edward sat perfectly still. It wouldn't stop staring at him.

That fuzzy, Black, creature from hell. It didn't even have normal eyes!

One Green, and one Red. Green, he could understand, but... RED??

It just didn't make sense!

It walked it's normal walk and rubbed up against Ed's flesh leg, like it normally did,

Then made that horrible sound again.

"Meow!"

"Damn Stupid Kitten." He spat angrily.

Ed could still hear that Bastard's words in his head...

_"Edward, could you babysit General Patches for me please?" Roy displayed his best puppy dog look that he could._

_"No chance!! And since when does your stupid cat out-rank me? And you?! Since when do you have a cat???!!" Edward shouted._

_"Since I found the poor guy lying in the street, half dead."_

_Ed scowled. "You've been talking to Alphonse alot lately, haven't you?"_

_"No..." Roy's eyes shifted side to side. "Besides, he was nothing but skin and bones, poor baby.."_

_"POOR BABY?? Missing Limbs Here!!!" Ed pulled up his left pant leg for emphesis._

_"You don't even have classes today. Just babysit while I'm out for a few minutes, or so help me, I will withold your pleasure for how ever long I see fit."_

"Few minutes my ass.." The lonely chibi mumbled. "Bastard."

He stared at the little black kitten."What was your name again? Pickles... Pancake... Patches?"

"Yar!"

Ed's eyes were the size of dinner plates. "D-d-d-d-did you just t-t-t-t-talk???"

It just sat there. Almost mocking him.

"P-P...Patches...?"

"Yar!"

"AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Edward picked up the phone and dialed franticly. It rang once... twice...

"Hello?" "Roy!!--"

"Hey Edward, yeah, I'm gonna be running a little late. Is everything alright?" Roy said.

"No!!! Everything is not alright!!!!" Ed spat. "Your creepy little cat just SPOKE!!!!!!!"

Silence on the other end of the line. Then, "Edward, cats can't talk. Maybe you're just sleepy because of all the fun we had last night."

He could just _hear_ Roy smirking on the other end of the phone.

"Listen to me!! Whenever I say it's name, it says 'Yar!'. THAT"S NOT NORMAL!!!!!!! It's probably possesed or something!!!"

"Ed, get some sleep, I'll be home in an hour or two."

"Two Hours??!! What the hell are you doing??!!!"

"Hawkeye caught me outside the convenience store, and pulled me into the office to do some paperwork. I'll be home later, ok? Love you, bye."

"Roy!! Wait!!" Roy had already hung up.

"DAMMIT!!!!! You Combustable Bastard!!!!!!" Ed got up off the couch and went into the kitchen so he could get some cookies.

Little did he know that Roy had hid them on top of the fridge, so that Ed wouldn't shovel them down his throat and ruin dinner.

"I wonder what else this little demon can do?" An evil grin upon his face, he summoned the kitten. "Patches!"

It ran through the open kitchen door, jumped onto the counter and sat at attention.

"Yar!"

Ed pointed to the cookie jar on top of the fridge. "Get me those cookies, and I'll give you one."

The kitten positioned itself just right and leapt on top of the fridge.

Patches gently nudged the jar over the edge of the refrigerator,

And Edward held his hands high so he would catch the priceless porcalen jar that Roy's mother gave him before it hit the floor.

He took the milk out of the fridge, poured it into a bowl, and put it on the table. He got himself a glass of water(He wasn't gonna drink that disgusting cow-juice).

Patches stared at Ed with those eyes that Al always fell for. "Oh Alright... here." He pulled out 2 cookies and gave them to the kitten.

They ate untill their stomachs were full.

Edward carried Patches into the living room and lied down on the couch, placing the kitten on his chest.

"You're not half bad... for a kitten.." He mumbled sleepily.

Patches licked Ed's cheek and purred.

Ed closed his eyes and quickly fell asleep, as did the kitten.

The door opened, and Roy came in. The first thing he saw was Edward and the kitten asleep.

He smirked wickedly, and left the room, only to come back with a camera.

As he was about to take the snap-shot, Edward spoke.

"Patches!"

The kitten sat up at attention.

"Yar!"

"Destroy that camera!!"

Patches jumped and tackled the camera out of Roy's hands, and smashed it to bits.

Edward sat up and grinned.

"Our wedding photo's were in there." Roy said with his hand on his face.

But he slowly removed said hand and used it to point at Patches.

"He just spoke..."

"Told ya so!!!" Ed smiled childishly.

Roy Fainted.

**I wanna do the lemon involving a 'toy'. But I suck at Lemons(still putting it up though!!). And Toys.**

**I also wanna do something where they go to a beach. Maybe I could combine the two. Would that make sense??**

**VOTE!!!!!**

**Toy?**

**Beach?**

**or Both?**


	2. Battle Of The Century

Once upon a time all animals lived in peace,

The grass was green and the water was crystal clear and unpolluted.

Humans were far away yet, so nobody could disturb the decency of the world.

Kittens stayed on their side of the land,

Puppies stayed on their side of the land.

But not here. Oh no, not here. Because Fuck You Common Sense,

I'm made of metal and I can take my brother's kitten to central command if I feel like it.

Poor guy was sneezing.

I'm a good boy :3

* * *

"DAMMIT AL, IT'S WINTER!!!! OF COURSE HE'S SNEEZING!!!"

The blonde alchemist shouted to his brother as he dodged another table or whatever it was that flew through the air towards him.

There was office supplies and furniture of the like flying everywhere due to the mini menagerie toussling on the floor.

And the wall.

And on the desks.

And everywhere else.

Why you ask? Because Patches, Roy's beloved kitten and Ed's new friend, sneezed.

He fucking sneezed.

In the middle of winter.

Shocking.

"Brother! He could be sick, you sh-"

"HE COULD BE **DEAD **IN A FEW SECONDS NOW THAT YOU BROUGHT HIM HERE GENIUS!!!"

Patches And Black Hayate ripped and tore at each other's furry hides as the battle of the century unfolded.

Ears were bitten, tails were pulled, and flesh was scarred and mangled.

The noises were horrendous.

Ed and Al were hiding ontop of the heaviest file cabinets they could find,

and still they were jostled this way and from the bumping of dog and/or cat to cabinet.

"God," Ed pleaded. "I hope Roy doesn't find out about thi-"

"What the hell is going on in here??!?!!" Roy demanded, bursting in.

"Fuck."

"HOLY--" But the ebony haired Colonel was interrupted by a now-medium-sized puppy

tackling him to the floor and out into the hallway.

Following Black Hayate, was the kitten, terribly victorious, ready to chase, and covered in blood that wasn't his, when he spotted his master.

Patches stopped, his eyes lighting up at the site of his most cherished companion. Almost as if waiting.

"P..Patches?"

"YAR!" the feline spat before regaining his fury, and stalking after his new prey.

Roy sat, slumped against the wall, bewildered, confused, fuming. His face downcast and red, his teeth grinding.

"Ed..ward... Al..phonse..."

Ed dared to take a step forward, "Roy? ...Roy are.. are you alright?"

The Colonel inhaled deeply, then screamed.

**"HAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWKKEEYYYYYYEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

And somewhere, far away, I believe East City, in a little house close to town,

a tall blonde woman was cleaning her pistol. Her husband peered over her shoulder with a lit ciggarette dangling off his lip.

And then she sneezed.

* * *

**This was inspired by a review I got on the first chapter :D**

**Thanks Crazy-88s**

**:)**


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